What wrong with me ? why do i do these kinda things , i really want help , advice?

hi guys , so im 15 and ive been going through a ruff time in my life , i have a lot of family problems such as my dad is dying from cancer (even though i hate him becuase hes never around and hes just pisses me off) and even though i say i hate him when i think about him dying i cry a little and im not even close with him and i dnt wanna get close know becuase it will hurt more when he dies but then i dnt wanna regret not getting close with him while i can , i have other family problems too but im not gonna go into them , i have friendship problems too , i have a great group of friends but last year i always thought they diidnt like me and that they only felt sorry for me and im always scared im gonna lose them even though deep down i know that they realyl care about me , my best friend left the school last year and i dnt see her anymore and my other best friend who i was best friends with for like 6 years we dirfted apart and know i never see her or talk to you anymore and i miss her but she is always busy with her new friends , i started cutting myself last year and i still do know , my group found out last year and talked **** about me when i was not there , then they siad sorry and **** and now where friends again but i still feel like i cnt trust them , i also feel like i cnt trust anyone , im always scared of getting close to people cuz i dnt wanna lose them , i started drinking and smoking last year and i just feel like ive lost control of my life , this year i started year 10 and im just really scared about the furture and if i wanna do year 11 or 12 and i dnt know wht i wanna do with my life when every one else seems like they do , and i skip school a lot cuz i hate it so much , and ive just become more and more sad , i dnt sleep intill like 6 in the morrin and then wake up at 7 for school , even though i use to go to bed at 12 last year , i just cnt sleep anymore , ive started taking like pills of all sorts , just so i can feel something , i take stress pills or caffeine pills or those student focas pills and i know its all bad for me and i really wanna stop , i just dont know whts wrong with me ? , i wanna get help but i dnt know how too , as i dnt trust anyone and dnt tell anyone anything and i cnt tell my family , i just wanna get my life back on track........ any advice ?